Simple And Clean Is The Way Your Making Me Feel

Dear Followers,

These days, finding spare time has become a daunting task. There is always another test, another thing to focus on, and frankly I am starting to get sick of the everyday routine I have adopted. This weekend I have decided to neglect my work and relax as a therapy of sorts. The results have been profound; not only do I feel rejuvenated, but I had the chance to complete an introspective analysis with my extra time.

I was listening to "Simple And Clean" by Utada Hikaru when I decided to take a moment and reevaluate myself as an individual. This song serves as a link to my childhood years, serving as a tool of remembrance. You could not comprehend the amount of time I have spent listening to this song or its many versions. Recently I have started listening to the "Unison Mix." Details can be found on my Facebook page.

If you were to ask, a majority of people would say that they treasured the time spent as a child. I detest my childhood. My childhood is a collection of insecurity, conformity, and malice. I rejected everything that made me who I am in order to be more like everybody else. I turned away from my love of drawing. I turned away from Japanese animation. I turned away from my religion and the Indian community, an action that haunts me today.

I really started to look back to Middle School. I was a demon in Middle School. I was so overcome with the need to fit in that I did things that I regret. I stole, I cheated, I lied. During my freshman year in high school I decided that I did not like myself and what I had done. One day I decided to do something to change that fact. Since that day I have spent every morning asking myself what I can do to improve myself as an individual.

I soon realized how immutable the character is. You cannot simply change overnight. Everybody will tell you this over and over again, but you really have no idea how true the statement is until you try to do so. You would not believe how frustrating and self-defeating trying to change yourself is. As I fought my inner evils I only came to realize that there were more flaws that I had not seen before. I became so focused on my negatives that I even entered a state of depression and extreme anxiety.

One of the first things I wanted to change is my sociability. I am, and always have been, a reclusive person. Perhaps because I was so used to just listening to my brother I failed to develop social skills. In fact, when my brother left for college I became more reclusive, a fact that my parents can support. Sometimes I crave social interaction, but many times I like to just be alone. Groups are not something I do well; I prefer to interact with one or two individuals at most.

Many of you may not realize that I have trouble talking to others and keeping up conversations. I can never get my thoughts together just right and always say something wrong. Because of this, I rely on slapstick humor and harsh sarcasm to force others to do the talking in the form of reactions; conversation outside of this realm is hard for me to conduct. Because of this mechanism however, I often appear pretentious, and many times others feel as though I do not care about them when I really do.

These thoughts led me to start evaluating my basis of action. If I could sum up the purpose of my life in one sentence, it would be to do what nobody else has. I thrive on distinction. In many ways this is another outgrowth of my relationship with my brother. Because my brother is a remarkable individual (regardless of what I say at times, he is the person I respect the most), he is always leaving a shadow behind for me to stand in. I do not want to be "Shray's brother," I want to be "Naveen."

My drive toward individuality is the basis for all of my action today. I always look to do what nobody else is doing. If everybody is taking notes on paper I will pull out my laptop. If all of my friends are on the ground I will stand up. If everybody is ordering one thing I will order another. These unconscious actions are what make me an individual.

However, I could never get rid of my never-ending need to conform. Although today I have reduced the hold that conformity has on me, I have not broken free completely. I continue to join others in common activities. I continue to adopt tastes and disinclinations based on those of my peers. I continue to culturally conform to the standards of teenage society. To break free completely would be "social-suicide," and I would probably go mad.

In this society of conformity, I have been given the label of "intellectual." I detest this label. Everybody associates the intellectual with somebody who is naturally gifted, somebody who does not need to work to accomplish great deeds. This is not an appropriate label for somebody as myself. I have no "exceptional" intellectual capabilities. I am somebody who relies on stress to perform well, somebody who works long into the night to make sure that I am always performing at the top level.

This is not a sign of a "genius." If I were truly a "genius" I would have no need to work so hard because things would naturally come to me. They don't. What this label has done is to change the very basis of my nature. I have to work harder to maintain my label. Can you imagine, the "intellectual" receiving a B on an APUSH test? I don't want to work to appease my peers, but there is nothing I can do about it.

Not only has the label forced me to DO, it has forced me to NOT DO. I have nearly all but given up drawing. Because people don't view me as "the artistic person," there is no societal label that I need to maintain, no societal motivation for me to succeed. My drawing skill has atrophied as a result and I no longer see myself resuming any time soon. I am not saying that societal pressure is the only reason I want to succeed in anything, but I recognize that it plays a large role.

With that closing thought, I will end this introspection. I feel confident publishing this here because of the very fact that close to nobody reads this blog. If anything this was a good way to put my thoughts into words so that I can use this as a tool of measurement sometime down the road. Who knows, maybe things will never change and I will be unable to change the aspects of my character that I detest. Either way, the future doesn't scare me at all.

Whatever Lies Beyond This Morning,
Noel