Bello

Dear Followers,


I am unhappy. Unhappiness is nothing new, but something about today seems like nothing before. I am convinced that the past few years have been nothing but a facade; they have been nothing but a useless undertaking to convince myself that I was happy.


Nothing has happened recently to make me unhappy. This is not me waving the flag after taking a grade-destroying test or me taking a social interaction out of proportion. In fact, today is a call to happiness. The rest of the week is wide open, and Concordia is only the cherry on top.


Instead, I have come to a sudden realization. Living is easy when we know. I have always known. Everything had a place in my world. Every person had a distinct role, every assignment was allocated a position in my schedule, every action was planned. But now, more than ever, I have realized that I never knew, I only thought that I knew.


Who am I? The more I explore this question the more convinced I become that I do not know the answer. 95% of students would be able to tell you what college they want to go to or what career they want to pursue. I can't. The other 5% would be able to tell you at least something that they like to do. I can't.


My whole life has been spent living up to expectations: expectations created by my brother, by stereotypes, by society, and by myself. I was always the over-achiever. I am sick of being the over-achiever. I was always the smart kid. I don't want to be the smart kid. I was always the Indian. I don't want to be the Indian. I have spent so much time trying to meet these expectations that I haven't given thought to what or who I truly am.


Do I like to watch anime? Do I like to debate? Do I like to draw? As much as I want the answers to these questions to be "yes," the truth is, I really don't know. Do I like philosophy? Do I like math and science? Do I like my friends? I don't know and that frightens me.

This summer, I was in Europe on a school trip with several other students.Whenever I feel like this I remember that night in Paris. That night was one of the worst and one of the best nights I have ever had. One moment I was on top of the world, skipping through the city streets of Paris, and then everything came crashing down.


I could not escape a feeling of worthlessness that night. They probably didn't even say anything that night, but the mere thought sent me back to that moment when I was so miserable as a child. I couldn't speak. All my energy was gone. The only thing I could do was sit there and fight back the tears.


I can never escape my weakness for peer judgments. I can easily ignore the judgment of my acquaintances, but ignoring the judgement of my friends is not so easy a feat. The people who I know as friends are intelligent, kind, and unique, and well, I'm not.


I am a egotistic copycat, and really I am straight up mean. Growing up, I was always on center stage. You only have to scroll down to read about the fiend I was in middle school. I don't belong with people like them, people who can put others before themselves.


This wasn't the first time something like this had happened. Last year at a debate tournament I had a similar experience. The feeling is always the same. I feel worthless. I feel that I really am a burden to everyone else and that the world would be best without me.


This feeling has only grown with the introduction of X into my life. X has been a greater me than I could have ever been. Anybody would take X over me, the only distinction being my rotten character. X is well-liked, funny, easy going, and has replaced me completely. What am I to do?

I have become incredibly displaced and don't know who my friends truly are. I used to know quite well. My Motorola Razr used to have speed dial numbers for the Friday hangout session regulars. There are no regulars anymore. Everyone has been reduced to a detached acquaintance.


One by one they crumbled away. First he had an obligation to run and couldn't sleepover anymore. Then he got involved with a new crowd and severed all ties beyond the occasional hello. Then he and I never spoke because of school and debate, and we slowly drifted apart. Now I am only a scholar to him as well, not a friend.What about me has changed so much that my regulars have moved on?


I am no longer called up to go to Chipotle. I am no longer invited to play Halo with the guys. I am no longer in on the inner workings of the social web. And when I am, the invite is one of obligation, not genuine want. Now I sit in confusion, wondering what went wrong.


The same thoughts ran through my mind as I trudged up the steps of Gustave's Tower, running ahead so I wouldn't have to look at the other students. Stubbornness is a hard burden. When things go like they did that night, you can never find the words to say to make everything all right again.


Bending over to catch my breath, I slowly moved over to the railing. In front of my lay the city of Paris, one of the most beautiful collections of lights and movement that I had ever witnessed at night. I leaned over the handrail and phased out all the sounds of happy tourists gawking around me.


I had almost entered a trance when through the crowd I heard somebody yell, "Cerca! Guardare a questo!" Spinning around I was face to face with an old Italian woman who was looking me straight in the eyes. I nearly fell over the railing.

Surely she had mistaken me for somebody in my group. As discreetly as I could, I quickly spun around and pretended to mind my own business. Suddenly, she grabbed me and was up on the railing with me, looking out at the city below.


I looked away and avoided eye contact. She let out a deep laugh that shook throughout her whole body. She turned to me and whispered a single word: "Sorriso." Analyzing my puzzled face, she quickly stepped back and used her two fingers to sketch a Cheshire Cat smile across her lips.


"Nonna! Cosa stai facendo?" She turned toward the crowd, responding to her daughter with a simple, "Provenienti." She let out one last chuckle, sent a wink my way, and disappeared into the crowd. Leaning back on the rail, I stood speechless.


Below me I could hear the voices of my fellow classmates as they reached the lower level of the observation deck. I quickly turned and disappeared into the crowd to wait until they had passed before returning to my post. How could she have seen through my so easily? With a single word she had taken all my frustrations, crumpled them up into a ball, and threw them away.


Today I am unhappy. I don't know what to expect and I don't know what is happening now. I will continue to force myself to live up to expectations. People will continue to judge me. None of that means anything anymore. I have something to smile about now, and that's all I really care about.


Sorriso,
Noel